Tuesday, August 29, 2006

To A Lost Love

This silence lies between us like a cold, dead thing. It's been years and yet there are still days when I wake up and can't believe you're gone. It's been so long. And it's been no time at all.

I go through all these spectacular highs and lows and they mean nothing, because nothing I do means anything at all. Everything in the intervening years has been a blur. Watching myself from the outside. Standing three feet from my body.

Once I was real. Now, I am a shadow pretending to be real. I hate to think that I need to be completed. I hate to think of myself as a half that's lost its whole.

So I take refuge in biting sarcasm. The tough guy, that's me. I try not to let them see me cry. I try not to let them see how much I still long for you. I now think I always will. You will always be the part that's missing. And there is nothing I can do to fight it.

Believe me, I've tried.

I look for you but the road is dark. I listen for you but the phone is silent. I reach for you but my arms are empty.

I know you can never come back. I know that if you were to, I would find you strange and you would find me stranger.

The things we can know with our minds are endless. We try to rationalise our misery. Of what use is that? Misery remains misery. I remain empty.

I close my eyes and you will be here, if I wish hard enough. Please, please, please, please, please.

But you're not. You never will be.

I thought age was supposed to bring wisdom, acceptance, a cooling of the blood. But the wounds grow deeper and I miss you so much it's hard to breathe.

I love you.

I always will.

10 comments:

part-time buddha said...

Once again, Jenn, beautiful sadness.

Polly Jean said...

just started reading your writings. you've got great style!

QuillDancer said...

You have just penned my secret and my fear, all at once.

Grey Shades said...

{{{hugs}}}

lemontree said...

hey jenn. beautifully expressed. it reads like poetry. and i wont say i hope its easy. because it cant be. but its about living it ans loving it all the same.

Jenn said...

PTB: Thanks babe.

Lean Mean Polly Jean: Thanks. And welcome to my blog.

Quilly: Truly? I am constantly amazed by the stuff you, Nessa and I have in common.

Grey: Right back atcha babe. Thanks.

Lemon: Sometimes I get overwhelmed. But usually am able to maintain equilibrium. Living it and loving it....hmmmmmm

IRIS said...

Sometimes your words are so real!

A thinker said...

Hah. I know exactly how you feel.

No amount of rationalisation will ever make it right.

Only time. We hope.

Jenn said...

Iris: Thanks. Sometimes, they are realer than you think.

A thinker: I know you would be able to identify with this. Especially now.

goldennib said...

I used to smoke. Alot, like over 2 packs a day, for about 20 years. Then, when I got preggers, I quit. It has been 20 years since I've had a cigarette. I still, on occasion, could kill for one. I can still close my eyes and taste one. Lost loves, missed passions, are the same. You expressed it so well. There are people I still ache for.