Thursday, March 21, 2013

Because You Matter

The goodbye we never said
bleeds into the cadaverous silence
There are no echoes...

When I was done fighting
with the voices in my head
I looked around for you
but you were gone.

You disappeared silently
and I didn't see
Where are you now?
I don't know.

So I look for you
but the road is dark
I listen for you
but the phone is silent
I reach for you
but my arms are empty.

So I'm writing this
because you matter
you've always mattered
because I care
I've always cared.

And I'm sorry
So sorry
I let you go
And I'm sorry
So sorry
I didn't say...


Not Normal

If you ask me for something right now, it's possible I won't be able to give it to you. Truth is, I'm tired. Truth is, I'm so weary of pretending that I'm OK, that everything is OK, and this is how it should be and I couldn't care less. Maggot hasn't returned. And how is life supposed to continue as normal, when you don't know, when you can't see, when you didn't say goodbye?

Friday, March 15, 2013

Conspiracy theories

Are we the conspiracy theory generation? Is the stuff that appears to be happening all around us just as it is, or are there dark, hidden undercurrents to everything? I feel like I've been cursed with a lens that can only see drama and bad intentions and real, real evil.

I was once innocent. If you told me something, no matter how ridiculous or improbable, I would take it at face value, never sifting it to see if it actually could have happen, never noting timelines (well, actually I did note timelines, but if the timelines clashed, if your story didn't seem to work out, it didn't matter, I ignored the discrepancies).

And then she told me, he said, only Jenn would believe something ridiculous like that. She said it and I crumbled inside. First, at being so stupid. And second, at them laughing at me for being so stupid. And when I readjusted the lens, suddenly everything made sense. Looking at horrible people with the proper lens, you could see quite clearly, when they lied, why they lied, how everything was a performance, nothing was real.

It becomes difficult after a while, when you're surrounded by these liars, to know what to believe. The kindest you can be, is to to tell yourself that they don't mean to do it, they're simply lying to themselves. But the more sensible explanation would be, they're being manipulative because it is easy to manipulate you. Trusting shouldn't be blind. Not when you feel the contempt coming from the other side.

One of our dogs is missing. He ran away. Except that he doesn't run away. Not him. He pushed his way out just before a storm, another thing he doesn't do. And then he never came back. Him, who doesn't run very far. Who is too scared to go out when the sky lowers and starts to thunder.

Who did this to him? What call did he hear to force him out? Who is to blame?

We blame ourselves of course. We didn't love him enough. We didn't show him enough affection. He felt nobody wanted him. We all feel the guilt. And guilt does funny things. It makes you suspect things. It makes you create stories in your mind. It makes you look at people funny.

Under all that is the sheer heartbreak of thinking he may be somewhere, suffering, scared, lonely, in pain.

It's the uncertainty that kills you.

It's the uncertainty that always kills you.

I wish there were some way of knowing what happened.

I try to tell myself that I'm being ridiculous to suspect what I suspect.

But I still go on suspecting it.

In the meantime I won't waste my time or energy hating you. Every bit of intention is aimed at my dog. I'll go on praying for him and loving him.