Saturday, March 26, 2016

Happy Easter?

It's a few hours away till Easter. I observed Lent this year but I didn't go for the Maundy Thursday mass (was busy closing the damn pullout that has sucked out 10 years of my life because I allowed it to, next on my list: right effort). And I am not going for the Easter Vigil. Instead, I will be going to church at 10 in the morning tomorrow. It's good enough.

I am still ill from the pullout. I don't know what the reaction is because I switched off my phone on Good Friday and haven't switched it on since. I want a break. I want to think. About my life, about where it is going, because 2016 is going to be a time of endings.

I can't allow the diseased limbs to linger. The poison is creeping into me and more and more of me is going rotten.

I observed Lent this year, went for Confession for the first time in 13 years, took Communion and yet all I do is break into raucous sobbing, weep like I am going to die...and I know I don't have to be alone but I feel sick again the way I felt last year and I don't want to talk to anybody or see them. I will deal with them on Monday.

I don't feel that Easter feeling inside me. There is no joy.

And all I want to be is away.

I'll do the things in front of me now. Take the dogs for a walk. Feed them. Go out and buy some cat food for the outside cats. Write three letters. Try to meditate. Try to clear.

And maybe sleep.

I'm falling to pieces but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm so tired of all of this.