Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Only Refuge

I wonder what is real anymore. Everything has the effect of a mirage. I find out things every day that harrow my soul. Is anyone who they say they are? Lies, lies and more damn lies.

And now I find that another carefully constructed edifice has all but tumbled. Part of me feels horrified. Another part, relieved. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. And now, it is all out in the open, grinning entrails and all.

A friend called to give me a heads-up. She said the problem with everything today - the company, the country, the world - is a lack of integrity and accountability. I agreed. No one is responsible for anything more than covering their own asses.

If karma is supposed to operate unflinchingly, why do I keep seeing these villains thriving, growing fat on their vampire feasts?

No justice.

I'm glad I left because things were unravelling at a frightening pace. Unravelling, unravelling, unravelling.

But now I feel orphaned out here in the cold.

And silence is my only refuge.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dancing With The Dead

Because they were stolen little by little, I didn't see them go. And I didn't know till I was walking in strange and wonderful places, beauty all around me.

My words.

So I borrowed from others. Stole what used to be mine. It didn't matter from whom.


In a New York minute,
...everything can change...

Tony Curtis:

There is a winter inside me, a place so cold, so covered in snow, I seldom go there...


And so long as you have not known
This: to die and so to grow,
You are only a troubled guest
On the dark earth.

I cannot hide and feelings bubble up and I cannot hide and sadness engulfs and I cannot hide and I re-read Sexton and I cannot hide and I lie down to be covered in shells and bones and silence.

But there is no silence.

So for the moment I'm lost.

So, for the moment, I'm few and far between.

But you have no voice for singing
and you sleep too unsettled for dreams.
Your needs and your thoughts imprison you.
You have the cold embrace of a stranger.
Even your God has banished you naked.
I pity you and you think you pity me.