Saturday, October 03, 2020

Happy Endings

I know the title is a little risque because there is a world out there associates happy endings with massages rather than faerie tales. But I grew up on a diet of faerie tales. It was what sparked my interest in reading in the first place. 

And so for me, happy endings, are always, the happily ever after that was supposed to ensue after all the bad stuff had happened. What was the point of it all, if not? 

But here's the thing. You need stamina for a happy ending. You need to be able to see it through and come out on the other side. You need to have grown to achieve or deserve your happy ending. You need to follow through, move past the miseries, forgive the hurts, forgive yourself, transcend the unhappy situation. 

I don't think I ever got a happy ending. I never stayed with any situation long enough. When I was miserable, I needed to leave. I didn't believe in happy endings anyway. Not for me. So I moved from miserable ending to miserable ending. 

Many times I wanted to end it all. And after my mother died, there was really nothing holding me back. Well, there was Arnold. And after Arnold, there was Sylvie and Bruno. And after Sylvie and Bruno, there was Ebony, then Sheba, and now, five different cats, all needing me, the youngest being a spunky little kitten who was abandoned at a week old, alone, possibly the runt of the litter, not expected to live. 

After two months of steady feeding and tonics and immune boosters, she still has developmental disorders and is terribly tiny for her age. 

Ebony fell off the balcony and died. 

Moonbeam died when she went for surgery. I loved them both. 

There were no happy endings there, just enduring the misery of their passing too soon. People make fun of my cats but they provide me a reason to live, to wake up, to go to work, to earn some money. It's not a happy ending, but merely an enduring because my life means something to some helpless creatures whom I don't expect anyone to take in, if I am not here. 

That's got to count for something. I've had happy beginnings. I need to find a way to transcend my life, to transcend my heart, to transcend my soul and find my way to a happy ending for once. 

Just for once.