Tuesday, August 01, 2006

There's the beep...

My voice (particularly sprightly and fake): Hiya!

My cousin's voice (doing his Yoda impression): (Giggle). Here I am not. Message will you leave. Do not be angry, as anger leads to the Dark Side. Teach you I will.

This was my favourite. I had to change it cos nobody was leaving messages. They wanted to know who the guy was. They thought they got the wrong number. "Hey I called you, and it seemed like you said hi, and then there was some guy's voice, so I didn't leave a message."

Back to the drawing board.

Me (in ridiculous chirpy voice that I would slap another person for using): Hidely ho! Now I'm not here right now, so you be sure to leave a message y'hear? (slight pause and then in my normal voice) Julie, what are you doing with that knife... get away from me, get away, GET AWAY! (Three piercing shrieks) Julie does her Gargamel laugh (you have to have watched the Smurfs to know what I'm talking about, it's really diabolical and she's been practising since she was 2). I die.

Julie only agreed to do this for me cos it was my birthday. Of course, the first person to call and hear it was my extremely bossy godmother. She listened, then called my mother:

"Dot, her work people call this number, what are they gonna think?"

Two seconds later: "Jenny are you crazy? What will people think? Erase that at once!"

Me (defiant): Huh! It's my phone, it's my life, and my contacts are cool. You mind your own business!

Of course, I got all my friends to call and listen. They thought it was hilarious although they held their phones away from their ears.(My piercing shrieks can bust your ear drums). An analyst called and told me: "You're madlar!" Omar called and said: "Who was that laughing? Your sister? She sounds cool." A Datin* (the only Datin who ever called me, she would have to call now, right?) called and left this message: "Oh. Oh dear."

After a day or so I had to change my message. I found that a lot of uncool people call me, after all.

Hi, I'm not available right now, but leave your name and number and I might just get back to you.

Slightly cheeky, but kinda boring, huh?

"There's the beep, you know what to do."

Briefer and briefer as I lost interest in coming up with innovative messages to amuse my callers.

Thank you for not leaving a message. You know how I hate returning calls. You've just made my life a whole lot easier.

Am toying with this one as I reinstall my voice mail facility.

*Datin: If your husband is a Datuk, then you're a Datin. It implies Manolo Blahniks, Prada bags and maybe Chanel suits. Also, a degree in Art History.


Grey Shades said...

I think the cheekiness was your escape from the boring messages? ;)

Grey Shades said...

I think you are giving art history a bad name! :)

Jenn said...

Cheekiness was my escape from a boring life!

Can anybody give Art History a bad name? No, not even Datins, hard as they try.

goldennib said...

Grey, she wouldn't be our Jenn unless she was cheeky and over here Art History is a filler class you take to earn humanities credits without doing a whole lot of work, so it has a bad rep with us, too, although, I admit I enjoyed it. I'm a dork.

Jenn: I am of two minds, amybe more over the vm message thing. Just today I called a woman's cell phone (a stranger) and she had her two year old giggling. I redialed got the same thing and left a snippy message, "I can't tell if this is the person I'm trying to call, but if you are..."

I've been saved and blessed and cursed and sung Sinatra to and told jokes and rarely been a happy camper becasue I hate phones. Mine says my phone number (not even my name) and leave a message.

It's tough when your phone is used for business type reasons.

I think our ideas are good ones, but unless you keep changing them, I think people get annoyed.

Jenn said...

Yeah. I know. Over here though, people opt for mostly really boring answerphone messages. So I try to be different. At least, I tried to. It was one of the fun things in life. Also, nearly all my business contacts go are kind of like my friends.

(I would really love to see the reaction for the last one especially - how many people do you think I could piss off with that?)

QuillDancer said...

Whoa! From phone messages to anger with no segue. Note to self: quit reading comments.

My sister insists my answering message stay short, sweet and doesn't waste her time. I am so tempted to tape, "Caryl, I'm not home." and leave it at that.

QuillDancer said...


If I know you leave a message. If I don't know you leave your name and number with your message. If I want to know you I'll call you back.

goldennib said...

Ok, someone needs to take a chill pill.

Jenn said...

Quilly: You don't seriously think...anyway, it is par for the course with this particular person's hysteria. I think your alternative is very good.

Quasar: You are not welcome here. Please don't return. I have turned on comment moderation because you keep promising to leave and never leaving.

Sorry the rest of you. But until this soap opera plays out I guess I have no choice.

goldennib said...

That's better.

If a funny message is short, I'll go for it. If it's too long, like a whole song, then it's not funny.

Jenn said...

Nessa: Well, the messages are usually short. Short but intense. Actually am having second thoughts about reactivating voice mail now.

goldennib said...

I want to stay up and play but I'm starting to drag and I'll be cranky tomorrow.

When will I become independantly wealthy?

Grey Shades said...

Jenn... Sigh! over here you have these idiots who claim to know a lot about art and in the process give some awful artists a big chance to make ton loads of money! Talk about a scam!

Vanessa... Agree with you. She wouldnt be OUR Jenn without the cheekiness! :) I dont think we even have a formal course for that here in India but i'm not too sure about that. And hey, i believe that if there is something you enjoy doing then you should be proud of it! :)

Quilly I love that message! I think I'm gonna have that on my office phone now!

Jenn said...

Hey! I love being your Jenn. It makes me feel so loved... :)

part-time buddha said...


me: Hi! Unlike most, I am actually here right now, but currently unavailable to take your call.

Sound of a drill revving in the background.

me: It seems my lobotomy is scheduled for today.

Sound of drill getting close and I begin to scream horrifically, climaxing to -

Gross mushy/blood splatter noise.

Screaming stops.

Drill stops.

my roommate: mwah hah hah!

goldennib said...

Our Jenn: Never listen to my opinions on anything related to phones, since i am reallllllllly biased against them.

When I was a wee whipper snapper, I always answered the phone. When someone died, I got the call and my rocket scientist relatives thought it was a good idea to tell me, then have me tell my mother.

Brilliant and not in a Guinness sort of way. www.guinness.com

Jenn said...

PTB: OK, next message. Although where I am supposed to get a drill I don't know. Wonder how I'll do the blood splatter sound - that would be cool.

Nessa: OK, I now understand why you have a phobia/distaste about them. Rocket scientists, indeed. Ugh.

A thinker said...

Trying to figure out what to say on an answering machine message is the worst thing ever. Maybe you can pioneer the way into more interesting messages...

And btw, I like your cousin's one the best. You should recreate it and keep it ;)

Jenn said...

Yeah...it is. Have to bear in mind that people get irritated by long answerphone messages - so it has to be short(but interesting). Also am very restless which means that I will keep changing it.