Friday, August 04, 2006

In sooth I know not...

In sooth I know not why I am so sad...

I rush headlong into a relationship with a comparative stranger, thinking I know him, I really, really do, and that he is my soulmate. OK I don't like this and this and this but heck, I'm in full moon madness now, so don't bother me with such inanities.

And then of course, the dream comes undone and I am left thinking, who is this person I am with, anyway? And who am I with this person? What on earth are we doing together?

After the first few times you kinda catch on. (Well you would but I never do)

So, I watched The Break-up because it was marketed as a comedy and I'm in the market for inane comedies, the dumber the better. But it was not. Not really. It was actually painful and some things came too close to home. I found myself weeping silently towards the end and when it was time to leave, that familiar lost feeling welled up.

I walked the length of "The Street" trying to find a cafe where I could drown my sorrows a cup of hot chocolate and pour out my feelings into a journal. Thing is, it was 11.30 and all the cafes were closing.

I really didn't feel like a bar.

So I made my way back to the parking lot and eased the car out of there. Sadness welling up again. Funny thing, I was back to about February last year, and my own breakup. Why was I feeling this way? He didn't deserve my sadness when it was happening and he certainly didn't now.

Of course, at this time of the night, my favourite radio station went for soft, slow and melancholic songs. And I, who am not overly fond of driving, wished the ride wouldn't end. I wished there was someone I could call and say, meet me for a drink. At the same time, I wanted to be alone.

Alone on the deserted roads with songs of desolation. And my thoughts.

In sooth I know not why I am so sad...

8 comments:

QuillDancer said...

You know you weren't mourning the man. You were mourning the dream. Sometimes it just feels good to feel bad. Sometimes sad songs and alone times are what we need.

goldennib said...

Not long ago, I was out at about midnight (very rare these days.) And now that I think back on it, it was melancolic. And I recall that feeling from long ago. The night encourages thoughts of the past and things gone by. Maybe it's the moon.

The moon is shining bright tonight over my house and I look at it and fellings well up to the brim and flow out. Nothing specific but including longing and wonder.

Grey Shades said...

Jenn are you alright now? Did you sleep last night finally?

Jenn said...

Quilly: That's right. I mean the feelings were the same as the last time but when his image rose up before my eyes, it made any feeling (except disgust) seem slightly ridiculous. I don't know what dream there was to mourn as I seem to be a confirmed cantankerous Singleton and relationships are only moments of madness during which I mourn lost freedom.

Nessa: The moon? Is it full moon already? Is it waxing moon? That would account for a lot of stuff.

Grey: I got to bed at about 5. Same old same old.

goldennib said...

The moon is waxing to full.

I had one or two (or three or four, never mind) relationships. In each, I was maddly in love for as long as I was in love. From each, I took away something new, something I needed to learn. Some were short, some longer. I thought I too would remain single. After working all of that out, I accepted that being single would be ok. And of course, that's when I met my future husband.

There is hope.

And there is nothing wrong with you. You are just searching. You are on an expedition.

Jenn said...

You're right of course. I went for my walk today and noticed that runners have the best calves and bikers have the best butts. Also, I thought that I should devote my life to travelling. Being the happy wanderer. That would be so cool. That dancing guy has really got me thinking, y'know?

A thinker said...

Dunno why I missed this post. Yup, Jenn, been there, done that. Sure know what you mean.

Jenn said...

Thanks thinker. I wish I knew how to get out of it when I was in it, but the only thing seems to be riding it out.