Disconnections

At night, the bears come out. At night, the shadows deepen into dark. At night, all the dreams I comfort myself with during the day, disappear. At night I can no longer pretend.

At night, I don't want to.

I received a call today from someone I didn't particularly want to speak to. Not that I hate him. He's not substantial enough to hate. It was just irritation that after I took all that trouble to change my number, these pests can get a hold of it.

No problem.

Should I change it again?

I switched it off instead. And kept it off.

Then I showered, dabbed on some make-up and went grocery shopping. Well, I stopped at this nice wine bar first, had a glass of sweet sweet Moscatel (maybe a little too sweet), and read my book. Then wrote a little. The place wasn't crowded but the few tables that were occupied were overflowing. Colleagues having their after work drinks. Happy hours. You know the type.

Then I picked myself up off the bar stool to go get the groceries. Shopping is always therapeutic, especially when you try to decide which chocolate chip cookie would best serve. And whether to get that bar of fruit and nut chocolate. (When in doubt, always say yes to chocolate)

And then, clutching my three overflowing plastic bags I emerged outside. It was raining. From what I could see of the wet pavement, it had obviously been raining steadily for some time. I like steady rain. Especially when I'm lying in bed with no place to go, listening to that musical drip on the awning.

But when I've parked the car some distance away it's a different matter. No help for it. I would have to run. So I did, getting drenched in the process. You gotta love that tropical rain.

And came home to make a fish curry and watch Black Adder. And then as I sat at the computer playing (and losing) endless games of Spider Solitaire, this feeling started to grow. I checked the time. Yes, it was after midnight. That witching hour when the sadness grows too big for my body and bleeds out into the corners of the room.

Black Adder notwithstanding.

Tomorrow I have an interview. I will be forced to put on my game face, ask questions, pretend to listen (I won't, I'll leave it to the digital recorder to do all the listening for me), pretend to care.

Ah me, but I don't.

I think I'll keep my phone off for now.