Friday, October 20, 2006

What does this sound like to you?

Words are free in the sense that we do not pay money to use them. We each may use as many or as few as we desire, no lifetime limits, deciding how much of our inner selves we wish to reveal to others in our frail efforts to communicate; slivers of the demons and angels residing inside shoved out into the light, seeking understanding, salvation, absolution, to salve our wounds, to assuage loneliness.

In person, I don't often speak. Conversations flow past me faster than I can process, too much time spent lost in eddies of words; the quiet one in the corner trying to peel the strata of what was said from what was meant from what is thought from what is felt. It often appears I'm not paying attention but I am, a depth of interest my body language is unable to convey while words wash over me, drowning in another's thoughts at the expense of my own.

Much of what is written here I would never say aloud, couldn't say aloud as there wouldn't be enough breath in my body to get it all out, only my fingers on keys able to keep pace.

I feel like I've used a lot of words, here in this place, maybe too many. They are free but they still took a toll, written and read. All I know now is I feel like I've used enough words and there's nothing left for me to say.

Thank you for listening. Please take care.

furyouhin


I've often wondered how you survived and what strength there was in you, to make it from day to day, with little or no hope, or light at the end of the tunnel. No I didn't read the back issues, so I don't know what brought you to this pass, but I did see the incredibly depth and sensitivity that characterised each post and signalled you felt everything more deeply than most.

Everything you wrote read like it should have come from a novel. And not a trashy Mills and Boons, but one of those up for the Booker. You know the kind that people buy in hardcover, put on their shelves, re-read fondly, getting something different every time.

Dear Fury, if you're still around, if you're reading this... I'd like to say so many things. I'd like to say goodbye, if a goodbye is in order. I'd like to say thank you, for your incredibly generous blog. I'd like to say good luck, if you're not going to do, what I think you're going to do.

I know words eventually wear themselves out and you get lost in the silence.

13 comments:

part-time buddha said...

Jesus, it's a little too early in the morning over here to get this choked up. And afraid. For someone I don't know and for someone I do.

Anonymous said...

I turned to stone. Unbelieving. She was saying goodbye. I bitterly regretted never having said Hello and never having expressed my admiration. That was the least I could have done.

Desperate to hold out my hand to her, I started searching for people with whom she had had contact. This is how I found you.

Well, Jenn, it sounds to me like Furyouhin is closing this blog in her life. "a lot of words here in this place." I hope we will hear from her again someday.

Keep well

Mitori

Anonymous said...

I turned to stone. Racing through her words. Unbelieving. She was leaving - saying goodbye. Slowly, regrets started rising in me. I never told her how admirable I thought she was. I never even said hello to her.

Unable to let go, I started searching for people she had been in contact with. This is how I found you.

Well, Jenn, it sounds to me like Furyouhin simply moved away from her blog "...a lot of words, here in this place."

My heart is hoping we will hear from her again, someday.

Take care.

Jenn said...

PTB: I only read that post of yours about the shower and the razor and the guitar last night. It made a lot of sense to me and stayed with me... I could understand to some extent where you were coming from. I was wondering how it would be for her, this winter, the cold, the hopelessness...there were signs recently that she was close to giving up. And now, this.

Mitori: Hi. I know how you feel. She deleted everything, all the archives and has left no place for comments...goodbyes can be so final when you have no idea who is on the other end of the line.

hot coffee girl said...

Jenn-

I am so sorry. Please know that we are thinking of you.

With love,

Kelly

Anonymous said...

I have been reading Fury's blog for several months now, and I did end up going back to the very beginning and read every single compelling word. I can honestly say that no other blog in this quasi-real life online community has ever touched me as much as Fury's has. That post has haunted me all week-end long. I HOPE it doesn't mean what my instincts are telling me that it does. Fury if you do ever read this, I want to say how grateful I am to have had the opportuity to read all of those words that came at such a great cost to you. I will always remember them, and I will always remember you. Thank you for everything. I really do wish you well.

Anonymous said...

*hugs* I don't really know what to say - reading Furyouhin's post was all too familiar. In my case, I knew the person and had a way to find out what was wrong. I feel for you - I hope you can find a way to reach your friend.

goldennib said...

Dear Fury:

Thank you for all of your beautiful words. Know that you have touched me in ways that are impossible to explain. I am glad I took the time to read your entire blog. Your words will live on in me.

I hope that you find what you are searching for where ever you go.

Peace be with you.

Vanessa

QuillDancer said...

It sounds like many hearts breaking. I said a prayer for Fury, that she may know peace.

goldennib said...

Jenn, check in, please.

Anonymous said...

Goodbye's can be so decisive! :(

Jackie's Garden said...

Jenn, I feel for you - the loss. I didn't read furyouhin, but it sounds like I missed something beautiful. Hope she finds happiness.

Jenn said...

Everyone: Have been feeling down and tired and depressed which is why I haven't checked in for all this time. Thank you for all your kind messages. Transmission will be back to normal soon. Maybe even today.