Thursday, October 05, 2006

I want to get off

Ever since I've been back, I've found it difficult to reconnect to this place. Every time I go away, it's like an escape. I wish I didn't hate it quite as much when clearly there are plenty things to love about it. But it's as if there is a great sadness, an oppression in spirits, laboured breathing, a quiet weeping, a loss, an absence.

My mind is stuck somewhere else. Where that is, don't ask, because I don't know.

A friend called. We haven't caught up in a while and she tells me she is depressed. Despite this, she has started work on another novella and I am moved with admiration. The people who produce, while the world around them goes to hell in a henbasket...

She asked if I was working on anything. I said no. Nothing. She said, that's a pity. You should write. And I agreed. I should. But what?

What indeed.

I went for my first early morning walk today, hoping to get back into some sort of routine. It didn't help. My thoughts circled like ravens. Or vultures. Picking at carcasses and wondering why they tasted of dead meat.

Stop this train.

I want to get off.

15 comments:

Grey Shades said...

"My mind is stuck somewhere else. Where that is, don't ask, because I don't know"... This so says it all!

goldennib said...

I often crave a change in my routine, a break in the mundane constancy of my life and yet I am afraid of change and castigate myself for my inability to maintain any commitment.

Jenn said...

Grey: Now that we have suitably confused ourselves...

Nessa: There's tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...no meaning though.

goldennib said...

I want to be as a child who accepts each moment as it comes, but I have too many expectations.

Jackie's Garden said...

"As I was Passing" - loved your blog title when I first saw it.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS is a mantra I live with. Whether I am feeling up or feeling down - I know that it will change. I know that all things pass and that I'll walk thru it and out the other side. So, mostly I let whatever be whatever, and try to remember something I read years ago...."wear the world like a loose garmet".

Here's to your 'down' passing quickly!

QuillDancer said...

I, too, am feeling like there must be more ... but where?

Grey Shades said...

Yes... confused... thats the current state of mind!

part-time buddha said...

take it from another writer: just write something down, even if it doesn't make any damn sense, just to keep yourself accustomed to the notion that while you have no control over the words, you do have control over the syntax.

hot coffee girl said...

Or...just sit down and set out to write something terrible. Cheesy. Like a bad romance novel. One page. Or two. That's it. Be over-the-top dramatic. Think Fabio.

Being silly might help you realize that if nothing else...this too shall pass. You are brilliant, talented, and have written some beautiful words, even here. Don't you dare believe for one minute that you won't again. Becuase if you start taking yourself that seriously, I will come over there and kick your vulture-train riding ass myself.

Don't think that I won't.

goldennib said...

"vulture-training riding ass" - great.

goldennib said...

Hi Jenn:

Where are you? I have finished re-reading one and two. I am now starting Prisoner of Azkaban. I feel an announcement coming soon.

Get back on, baby. Did you read how I can kick ass? Don't piss me off; D

Nessa

Grey Shades said...

Super busy eh?

Jackie's Garden said...

Jenn - did you get off at the wrong stop and are having trouble finding you way back??? Hello???

QuillDancer said...

Uhm? Hello? Did we miss a message? Have you stopped the blog train and gotten off?

Jenn said...

Nessa: I haven't re-read the Harry Potter books in a while now. Stopped enjoying them after the fourth. But if the seventh one comes out, it will be my duty to do so. I read your kick-ass post (haha you gangsta you!)

PTB: Sage advice. But what is syntax?

HCG: I was writing this novel which irritated me so much (I wanted to kill all the characters myself) that I've binned it. Have to start anew. And thanks. You're a sweetheart.

Grey: If only. Instead I'm super lazy. ;)

Jackie's Garden: Thanks Jack. I see it passing already. And am back on the train. In the saddle. Etc Etc.

Quilly: Christmas is upon us Princess and I have decided to make some presents.