Friday, October 27, 2006


It is subtle I guess, all the ways in which the world has devised to let you know that you are unwanted. No, there is no welcome mat out, you have to create it, stake your claim on a bit of space, hang out the shingle to say, hey I'm here. This is mine. My own. My precioussssssss.

No one is going to rock up and say, hey, you, I'm glad you're here, feel free to share my space, feel free to be part of my life.

That's not how in works in the world I have imagined.

You have to justify the space you take up. Or else quit it. No one asks you to. It's just expected. Subtle. But in your face, all the same.

A friend once talked about a premier news organisation. She said if you don't make the grade there they will not tell you to leave. You will do so on your own account.

Deadwood, driftwood? There are ways, without bringing lawyers into it, of getting rid of these. All you need to do is show them they're unwanted. Withdraw your attention. And they wither and die. And more importantly, leave.

We all need attention. We cry out for it. We scream into cupboards and then, the can only write in so many cafes and nurse so many coffee of the days before the whole thing starts to get real old.

Look to the future? What future? There is only tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

I hate it when I ramble.



goldennib said...

I think sometimes like it would have been better not to have been born. On occasion I think desperately that life is just too much work. But I always manage to tell myself to keep going. I think that if I don't keep trying here and now, I'll have to do it in another life anyway. Plus, I have developed a sense of a wrap-around hug that I envision for myself when I get so down that I feel I can't keep climbing out of the hole. I close my eyes and feel myself cradle by an Earth Mother who is soft and conforting and she croons to me. I feel the strong arms of a Universal Father who gently shelters my head against his shoulder. This helps me feel better.

A thinker said...

It *is* true, Jenn--the world's message is "prove yourself, and we'll love you. Otherwise, you'll be ignored."

I'm really glad I've found someone whose love is unconditional--the total opposite.

It makes all the difference.

part-time buddha said...

What future?

Today is Tomorrow. Think about it.

And don't apologize for rambling. What the fuck else are blogs for?

QuillDancer said...

I am contracted for one year at a time to stay where I am. Last year I suspected it was my time to go, but I stayed. Now I am committed to invisibility for a year.

It isn't that I haven't proven myself professionally. It is because I won't play the "beautiful people" games. Last Friday I was told, "You could be one of us if you wanted to." I considered it briefly.

In some instances, invisible is preferable to the alternative. At least I still like me.

Just Tom said...

Milton Resnick, an American painter, said that "you're falling, your keeping yourself from falling, your falling, you're keeping yourself from falling," and paraphrasing the rest, "everybody is afraid of the bottom, but once you find some way to keep yourself from the bottom your finished (as an artist), it's over."

When I was studying art in the late 70s, my older sister was into trandscendental meditation. I asked her about it and she said something to the effect of, "meditation calms you down and keeps you centered." I thought hmm, sounds cool. But then she went on and surprised me with, "but if you are going to be an artist, that may not be a good thing."

I can't even guess what your post is about and frankly it's none of my business (and hence the above may make absolutely no sense at all) but it never hurts to wish you well for whatever it's worth.

Peace, Tom

Jackie's Garden said...

Jenn, I like the way you share. Thank you. And I like Buddha's "today is tomorrow" idea.
Keep on keeping on, girl.

Jenn said...

Nessa: Do you realise that it is not when life is too much work, when we are in the midst of chaos and activity that we get depressed, but when it shuts down and there is nothing to do and no way to justify existence?

A thinker: Will have to muse on that.

PTB: Thanks. What indeed.

Quilly: How do you mean? The kids love you, and surely, they're the auditors who count!

Just Tom: Thanks. The post was more of the same. My incessant rambling and my interminable depression. But am out. Thanks for the wishes.

Jackie's Garden: Today is new. It feels new. And hope is born. Thanks.