Saturday, June 04, 2016

The Comfort of Cats

Here's the thing about cats; they're mostly aloof. They climb on your lap when you're playing with the dogs. Otherwise, they ignore you...maintaining that brand of aloofness that turns you into that pathetic creature begging for love that you always are. And so, you pull back. You remember the faces, you remember the expressions, you remember how they closed over like a fist.

Ebony is sitting on my sofa, grooming himself. He is jet black against the red sofa cover and he looks soft and velvety. What I long to do is go over and gather him up. But if I do that, he will struggle and jump off. Of course I could hold him tight but what's the use? Better not to hang on to one who doesn't want to be hung on to.

I spoke to Bo today. The first time in over eight years. The last time I spoke to him he had called me because I put up something sort of scary on FB...a suicide note...and he was the only one who took it seriously. Because, surprisingly, it was serious.

Some friends you can lose for years and then find again. Some just move out of your life and when you think of them, this irritation starts to rise in your body and you realise, no, I'm not ready to welcome this person back into my life. No, I'm not over what they did or how we ended.

I thought about my aunt who died today and how her last months must have been. But it was not only after she was abducted. Even before that, she was old and neglected and suffering. We all let her suffer, preferring not to think about her. Nobody wanted to take responsibility, pointing to one another and ultimately to her daughter. Who is in the US and had no desire to come back to look after her mother or at least, take her there.

She said, I can't be bothered. Do what you want.

And my aunt said, I'm leaving the house to the lodger.

And now everything is a right mess and they can't find the body.

But Anna pointed out...what's a body after all? The time to have taken care of her was when she still drew breath. All this hustle after the fact is so beside the point. And it doesn't change what you did. And it doesn't change how utterly callous we all were.

It doesn't.

And I am biding my time. Taking one day at a time trying to sort out the work I still have to do before leaving for my holiday. I know not where but I just need to go, disappear. Some place I don't have to write or edit stories. Some place I've never been before. Some place I can take my dogs and cats because I miss them when they're not with me and I worry about them.

My body is aching because we did two rounds around Kiara now and although I was fine while we were doing it, I realise my body is not used to such exertions now. I think I get exercise when I walk the dogs, but is that really exercise? So I put my feet up and feel my knees lock.

There was freak weather today and hailstones rained down on various parts of KL. The winds were so strong that some people found it hard to close their doors. And it was so cold. Of course, hail being ice.

Ebony is curled up on the sofa now. He's sleeping. He looks so comfortable and content.

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