Thursday, June 22, 2006

Once were warriors

David B. stands over me sternly: "I don't want to feel like I'm in the toilet with you Jennifer."

I cower obligingly. But I have decided to chronicle my madness. How do I do that without being personal? He likes Anne Sexton, so maybe. But I'm not her. I just have these feelings, this madness, which I can feel taking over again.

Sort of like someone just stripped off a skin and everything hurts. Again. I long for the escape of red wine. But this is Malaysia. And the wine is overpriced or awful. And if I opened a bottle, it couldn't rest on my desk while I went through it. No, the moment I opened it I would have to finish it. Or watch it turn sour. Like my stomach.

And then there is the churning. I feel my body curl up, foetal. And I throw a blanket over myself and tell the world, stay out, at least for today, I need to disappear.

But there is that gentle tug. Wake up, Jennifer, wake up. You cannot escape. Not this time. You are here. Plant your feet. Home.

Home? I choke indignantly. This is supposed to be home?

I lost the key, now they're all strangers, I tell the voice. And I strain to listen, to catch the tones. Male? Female? Kind? Austere? Who is it talking to me through these folds?

It sounds like, it sounds like, but it can't be. Not...

"Stop it Jennifer, get a grip. I told you, I don't want to feel like I'm in the toilet with you." David again, interrupting.

Shut the fuck up! I rant. You can bloody leave if you don't want to be here. You're no longer my tutor. You can't tell me what to do. Disappear!

He does.

And there are birds. With strident voices. A tormented cacophony. Phony. Yes.

Once there was sweetness. Once, we were warriors.

Once were warriors...

9 comments:

goldennib said...

How does one gain Peace of Mind?

Grey Shades said...

Is this who i am thinking it is?

lemontree said...

hey jenn- can feel the pain more than i would want to admit


hang in there - it will all slowly but surely get better

part-time buddha said...

Beautiful.

Jenn said...

Nessa: Hmmmmm I am sure there is an answer to that. And I am sure meditation and coming to terms with life is part of it. But as for me...I wander along dark twisted pathways.

Grey Shades: Not Charles. I still love him. I will ALWAYS love him. I would never tell him to fuck off.

Lemon: Thanks dear. I wish you didn't. Sometimes, it's too much to bear.

PTB: Thanks.

goldennib said...

Did you know if you go here you can hear Anne Sexton read here own poetry?

goldennib said...

Did you know if you go here you can hear Anne Sexton read here own poetry?

goldennib said...

The first one doesn't work.

Jenn said...

Thanks Nessa. Will check it out.