Sunday, April 04, 2010

Happy Easter

Easter feels weird this year. For the first time, in a long time, I did not observe Lent. Did not give up alcohol or meat or sweets or anything. Did not give up being angry with people who made me angry, did not give up my unforgiveness or judgement, did not give up anything.

So when Mum asked if I was celebrating it, I said, feels strange to celebrate it without preparation.

I have done the fasting and abstinence thing before. Many times. But what I've never given up are my prejudices, my anger or my hatred. Those I've clutched to my chest like treasured bastard children I did not want to abort.

I'm still mad at drama queen though every day I tell myself, look, she's moved on, and I have to forget it. If I get the money back from her, bonus. But really, she didn't ask me, and I can safely blame myself for the whole drama of the weekend. Yes, she led me by the nose. But for someone who's been a reporter all these years and is trained to sift apart what people tell me (if I'm interviewing them) I swallowed everything she said hook, line and sinker without investigation.

I had coffee with a friend yesterday and we discussed my dreadful naivete. And I came to see that if I like you and esteem you as a friend, I probably will not question what you say even if your actions contradict your words. Case in point, a friend who told me she didn't know why she couldn't lose any weight when she ate so little. Of course, when she was saying this, she was stuffing her face with handfuls of greasy French Fries, but my brain could not make the connection between her rather disgusting eating habits and her considerable girth. No, instead, I believed her until another friend pointed out....poor thing, she does like to eat doesn't she?

Reading the transcendentalists now, who require you to make up your own mind about everything (so I can't sail along oblivious like I usually do) I realise that I have to come to some sort of understanding about myself and the world I live in. It's just dumb to take everything at face value and never question what anyone says because it hurts so much to view anyone I like with suspicion.

Better by far, to question everything, and not get caught out or surprised later on. Because I notice that when the disillusionment sets it, it goes pretty far and I tumble down the rabbit hole and take a long time to emerge. I go from a simple and transient liking to black hatred which eventually dwindles away to an even blacker indifference. The kind of indifference where, if you see the person being mowed down by a truck in front of you, your only reaction would be to turn and walk away in the opposite direction because bloodied corpses are icky and you have no room for ick in your life.

So now it's Easter and I'm still trying to figure out what to give up for Lent and what to give up for life and how to live my life.

I woke up to an empty house - Dadda and Julie must be in church. Years ago, Easter was a time for celebration - there was midnight mass which was always more impressive than the Christmas midnight mass, the lighting of the Paschal candle, the church in darkness....the sweet voices of the choir...all of us decked out in our new Sunday best. The final hymn was always a rousing rendition of "Jesus Christ is Risen Today". And we'd file out of church, hearts beating wildly to kiss all those friends and wish them a Happy Easter.

No presents, no Easter bunnies, no chocolate, but a feeling of joy, nevertheless.

This year, it's all ashes and dust, like Good Friday has decided to extend its transmission. No triumph, no starbursts, no joy.

Just a feeling of lingering desolation.


Nessa said...

I gave up giving up things. I'm tired of fighting myself over everything.

Hoppy Easter!

Jenn said...

If I don't fight myself I have nobody else to fight with.