Thursday, April 29, 2010

Giving Up

Sometimes when all else fails, all that's left is for you to get over the one you had given up trying to get over.

I feel myself tear open and I'm falling and I don't know what to do when I hit the ground. It being me, I know I'll bounce a few times before I shatter. That's the way it goes. That's the way it always goes.

Why aren't I dead yet? If life is all pain, where is the savour?

Tonight, I got lost in Shah Alam and I thought of you and I missed you. If you were around, I'd have called you to say, hey I'm your neck of the woods and I'm lost. How do I get to where I want to go?

You were always brilliant with directions.

And I miss you. And I wish you were still here.

Why did you have to go?

Why should a dog, a horse, a rat have life, and thou no breath at all?

Maybe you're reading this somewhere. You always said, write to me. And I did.

And guess what? It's been five years and I'm still writing to you.

My heart is broken, the way yours was. You willed yourself dead. How did you do it? What's the secret?

I have an interview tomorrow and I have to be there bright and early, asking questions, nodding and looking interested.

I have an interview and I have to bathe my eyes, red and small from too much weeping.

Why should a horse, a dog, a rat....

I've decided to give up. Something happened and I can't go back there. And I felt my heart start to shatter. And you know the thing with my heart. It keeps shattering, but doesn't quite kill me. It leaves me suspended, neither living nor quite dead.

Are you happy now?

Was it worth it?

We never said goodbye.

I love you.

And we never said goodbye.

And I love you.

And we never said goodbye.

So I'll keep talking to you if that's OK.

And maybe I'll see you around sometime.

1 comment:

Tudor Rose said...

I wish I could say something, but I don't know what.