I spend the whole day (and I do mean the whole day) sleeping (it's rainy and it feels good to curl up under voluminous blankets) so I snap awake at night. Then, I try every which way to drop off and of course, sleep, the sweet harlot of the senses, remains elusive. Right up till dawn by which time I pass out and stay passed out until midday. And then I walk around like a zombie, taking numerous naps, only to snap awake at midnight. Hmmm... there seems to be some sort of problem here, if only I could figure out what.
Since New Year, I have lived in my stinky pajamas, wrapped in cottonwool, shutting out the real world. Of course, my Mom insists on watching the eight o'clock news and regaling me with bits and pieces of disasters all over, but I have learned to shut her out. Listen, without listening.
It's 1.25pm and I feel sleepy. I know I have all this stuff I am supposed to do but I just feel like going to bed.
Good night.
9 comments:
Don't tune your mother out. One of these days she will leave this earth and you won't have her anymore. I regret not taking a real interest in my mother before she died suddenly. I always only viewed her as a mother, my mother. But she was more than that and it's sad that I won't get to know who she really was outside of being a mother. She had hopes and dreams and real emotions that I felt. She had hobbies that I just ignored. I will listen to your mother's ramblings because I don't have mine to call me anymore.
Wow. Amazing. Who are you? You're right of course. Yesterday, as I lay tossing and turning, unable to sleep, I decided to creep into Mom's bed and cuddle her. She said, Jenny, what's the matter, you cold ah? There, take the blanket. And she couldn't get to sleep after that. Then I started giggling, remembering something funny that had happened a couple of years ago, so of course she had to know why I was laughing. And then we both laughed. And talked. And listened to the rain on the roof. And fell asleep.
(I only tune out the negativity, I don't really want to hear bad news, it makes me cringe inside and feel the world is a wanton wasteland)
Over Christmas, I had an abundant amount of time off (I am such a workaholic during the year that I have a bunch of days off to use up before the New Year.) I spent days just laying around, reading, taking naps and sleeping. Sometimes we just need to check out, especially when we are transitioning between different stages of our lives.
I've been told that I am afraid of reality because I don't like watching the news or discussing the disasters that occur every second of the day throughout the world. I don't like to wallow in the blood and guts details of things I have no control over. They make me sad, they upset me, they depress me. Why should I put myself through it. I really don't understand why people like to watch disasters or evil things or why they like to talk about it and in great, graphic detail. If something happened to a family member, friend or neighbor, that would be different. I could help.
My mother and I have an oil and water relationship. I have had the best of times and I have had the worst of times with her. I laught he hardest with her and I have screaming matches with her. I love her passionately and she makes me crazy. Sometimes I require breaks from her because our relationship is so intense. That being said, two years ago I made my mother a memory jar for her birthday. On seperate pieces of parchment, I wrote down a happy memory I have that included my mother. There was one memory for each day of a month. I rolled the pieces up and put them in a pretty jar with a lid. Everyday she would go into the jar and take out a slip of paper and read the memory. This was one of the best gifts I ever gave her.
since new years all my days have seemed very lazy, like a dream.
goldennib: Last night as I tried to drop off, I took deep breaths and realised that my primary emotion was fear. Gut wrenching. I am afraid of the transitions. I am afraid of the space in between during which time I have no idea about what lies ahead.
M: I'm with you girl. And I tried commenting on your blog recently and was not allowed to. Something about an open proxy server. What was that all about?
Ah, fear. A close and personal friend. When I was a junior in college, I quit because I was afraid. I had no idea what I was going to do with myself after college, so I didn't finish. It took me a year to get over it and continue. I often congratulate myself on just being able to get out of bed, I'm so irrationally afraid of who knows what.
hm, I don't know! I'll try to look into it.
I think Marx was wrong about religion being the opiate of the masses. I think that honor goes to sleep. It's the great equalizer.
Haha, sleep is the opiate of the masses? That's a good one. I seem to spend a lot of my time doped up then.
Post a Comment