Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Craven

The nights are steamy, turgid, restless. Memories dart like glowflies in the dark. You can set out to catch light, but it slips between your fingers. I no longer know who I am, have an identity. I no longer like what I remember of me.

I catch glimpses of a person, hear my voice say things, I cannot accept. This is me?This starved, grasping, wretched creature? How did this become me?

You can work at stoppering up your heart, you can become tough, so tough, bullets graze and knives glance off. So tough, that there is a scar where your heart used to be.

To what end? Really, to what end?

I thought I knew who I was, I worked at defining the misty, ambiguous edges of my being. But all boundaries can be diluted. All certainties are vulnerable. I felt proud of myself when I beat down a wretched auto rickshaw driver, forcing him to charge me the official rate.

"Let me see the card," I told him sternly. Unbending. To what end? A few dollars more one way or the other would not have made any difference to me. It's the principle of the thing, I intoned self righteously, looking at him with undisguised contempt. His lean, ugly face. A face like that is an abomination. Don't come near me. Here, take your money. And go.

To be human is to feel shame. To be human is to ask forgiveness. To be human is to learn, after all this time, who the real lean, hungry, craven creature is.

Swirling boundaries. Sand in the air. Like little black insects.

7 comments:

goldennib said...

Hi Jenn:

I missed your entries, it's been a while and as always this is beautiful.

But are you ok?

Vanessa

Andy said...

I think being human means seeking redemption, not in a Biblical sense, per se, but for the things we've done earlier in life for which we're trying to atone.

I'm with Vanessa, though, Jenn--are you okay?

Berlinbound said...

A black night Jenn ... I'm familiar with the feelings. Good that you can write them out, free them ...

Peace

goldennib said...

Hi Jenn:

Will you say hi back? or email me at goldennib@comcast.net

Vanessa

Jenn said...

Thanks for caring guys, it means a lot to me.

Goldennib: I am fine. Thanks for caring. I didn't answer earlier because I was in a jungle (literally) with no access to either phone or internet connections.

Andy: The ugliness I perceive inside scares me. We keep looking at the mirror and seeing different images. Sometimes, we need other people to reflect ourselves off, to see how truly small we have become.

Berlinbound: Thanks. I do find it freeing to write - releasing the darkness of our thoughts, rather than allowing them to flutter inside, trapped.

goldennib said...

Hi Jenn:

Glad you are ok.

What were you doing in the jungle? It sounds very exotic.

Vanessa

goldennib said...

Hi Jenn:

Glad you are ok.

What were you doing in the jungle? It sounds very exotic.

Vanessa