Sunday, January 29, 2006

Detritus

I am in a waiting place. Stuff is happening so I cannot move forward. No way to move back. I took three years off to figure things out and I come out of those three years with a brand new degree but not much else.

I find myself losing all the self possession I had whilst away. This was what I was afraid would happen. That I would shrink once more into the Malaysian me. Worrying about traffic jams, taking offence at perceived snubs, listening to mind destroying streams of negativity. Day in. Day out.

I guess after a certain age it is good to live away from family, seeing them only on special occassions. We tend to fall into habit. We tend to take each other for granted. We tend to listen without listening.

I want a life. A real life. Not this approximation. I don't want to wake up feeling this awful lostness. This gone feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to move out from the space in between to the rest of my life. I want to step firmly, rather than tread carefully, tap dancing to avoid stepping on toes.

If tomorrow comes.

2 comments:

goldennib said...

We don't have a very large family, but it's an intense one. Before I had my daughter, I was definitely odd man out (I got pregnant at 27 and I was *gasp* unmarried and had no plans to correct the situation.) I spent much time before I had her being away, physically and emotionally. Now, that my daughter is older (19) and moving out into the world on her own, I feel myself moving back to the way I was.

I'm sure it's me. I think I would feel stifled and suffocated in any family. Things I think are normal, they shake their heads and assume a stance of saddness, "What's wrong with her?"

I find I have so little in common with them. Their everyday interests bore me. In family gatherings, I zone out and entertain myself in my head. I am called unsocialable and rude.

I feel the urge (a re-emergance) to run away.

Jenn said...

Hehe, as I see a lot of you in me, I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

I mean, do you really want to invest all that energy into making small talk and pretending to fit in with people you really have nothing in common with?

I go to certain family parties and stuff a book in my bad to amuse myself. I don't care if it's rude.