Sunday, May 15, 2011

No One Will Ever Touch Me More

I wake up. I think of you. I start scheming and planning and trying to see how I can get you back. Throughout the day, you ping in my mind constantly. Stray moments. I'm walking through a supermarket. I'm reading my grocery list.

In my mind, I'm playing with you. You're there. Wagging your little tail. Eyes hopeful. Or sad. Your eyes were always sad.

It makes me want to cry.

And I haven't seen you in four weeks. I want to visit. Desperately. But I'm afraid. Because I know if I do, you'll want me to take you home.

And I can't.

Not now.

Not yet.

Do you think I've abandoned you?

Like they did?

Do you think I don't love you anymore?

I don't know baby, I hurt everyone I love.

I let them down. In the most profound of ways. It's like my love is worth nothing. It's just a feeling in my heart and moisture in my eyes but really, when you value it, nothing.

And as much as I feel for you, you're in that place, far far from me, and things move slowly before I get you back if I ever do.

Does it make a difference that I think of you every day?

Does it make a difference that I weep for you constantly?

Does it make a difference that despite it all, I still love you?

What's that to you, anyway?

This powerlessness I feel now...this anguish...this impotence.

This is real.

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