Friday, January 15, 2010

This Inferno Inside

You'd think of course, that having nothing to do, nothing to stress me out, no idiots to deal with (idiot being a relative term for anyone who annoys me in any capacity at all, whether they're aware of it and doing it deliberately, or not) I would be all Zen.

Instead, it seems like the rage is stepping up, coming to the surface. For the most part, I'm not aware of it, and then suddenly, someone says something. It may be innocuous or it may not. However, it's like they've tripped a light switch and the anger rises up and blazes forth.

This inferno inside me. And I go from 0 to 1,000,000 in a second. A microsecond. And part of me stands aside, aghast at the ugly thoughts and the ugly words that rise up in the throat and choke me, spill out, engulf, excoriate.

And I try to rein them in and they continue to blaze. I work at my pretty little exercise in futility (I'm told that anger can be channelled into creativity), my journal, read books, listen to relaxing MP3s, but still it surges. And surges.

And I'm hoping that this light switch is a sign that all this stuff is moving through me and getting done with.

But it makes me unfit company for normal people.

I think I'll hang out here and deal, a little while longer.


John Calica said...

Been a while since you updated your blog. Hope you're doing great my friend :)

Jenn said...

John, I'm updating this blog because of you. Thanks for caring.