Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Happy New Year and then some

I'm sitting in the apartment alone, the pretty Victorian lampshade, a beige thing of fringes, casts a yellow glow over the mysterious new radio and my notebook is splayed open. Fresh page. A long fluted glass filled with golden Drambuie, just opened, sweet, tastes of honey, dissolves tears. The phone rings a couple of times. Parties. Come join us. But no, it will be the first day of my year alone. I have to see it in likewise. Anita was over earlier. We broke open the bottle together. Clinked glasses. She's off to a party. The radio is on at Mix. Or maybe it was Light and Easy. Or I could have been playing a CD, way down low. Mood is everything. Ritual is everything. A sip of Drambuie and I scribble down a few dreams. I don't remember what they were. We finished the Drambuie later that year in a train. We passed it from person to person, drank straight from the bottle.

Sometimes you have to drink Drambuie straight from the bottle if life is to make sense.

Fast forward: I'm talking to someone who has made up her mind. My words, hard little bullets, bounce off her force-field. She smiles benign and peaceful when one gets through. And I think, man, I've made a hit. But not really. They start to die when they've decided. And nothing you say will make a difference. Remember me, remember what I was like, before all this. What do you mean? Remember me...

Trying to make sense of life. No sense. A sip of Drambuie. Nothing. I eat up books like air. Still no sense. No little truths to illuminate more than a page or sear through me. Just nuggets like my ineffectual bullets, bouncing off a mind, saturated and sad. Sometimes happy. Which is the illusion? If Dylan couldn't tell you, what makes you think I could?

Everywhere people finding themselves. Moving into comfortable spaces. Yes, this is life when you don't resist it. You grow and fill out the space. Complete in yourself. Complete in your family. Complete in your truths. This is life. This is the way things are supposed to be. You're not happy because you swim against the tides. Give up. Give in. This is the way things are supposed to be.

Not yet.

Why not?

I still live.

How do you know?

I breathe.

And?

I breathe. And that's enough for now.

12 comments:

dandelion said...

Jenn...when we "Give up. Give in." I think we stop living. I love your New year post...the past, the present and hope for the future. I am wishing for you that all you dreams for 2007 become reality. Will talk more soon.

part-time buddha said...

I realized late last night that I'd spent the first day of the new year without talking to - or even seeing - a single human being. I still haven't decided how I feel about that.

But, like you, I'm breathing. In and out. And the blood is flowing through my veins.

This post helps. Thanks again Jenn.

QuillDancer said...

Jenn -- never give up. Only give in when it is the best way to achieve your long term goals. Life is to be lived, and that means you spend a lot of time swimming up stream.

Jackie said...

Jenn, you write some lovely, but deep, posts. I hope that you find what you are searching for in 2007. From my experience, I'd say you are going to get out of it, about as much as you put into it.

A thinker said...

Heh. Jenn, I hope your New Year ends up far better than the beginning, as mine did last year.

All the best to you, from a blog friend.

goldennib said...

Beautiful post. Don't give in. Just find a way to do what you want that goes around them. Happy New Year.

Grey Shades said...

A sombre post for the first one of the new year eh? Hmmm...

lakeside ling said...

I missed your writing.

Happy New Year!

Jackie said...

Hey, Jenn, where are you?? Huh? huh? huh? I'm ready for some new stories! Hope all is well there.

A thinker said...

No posts from you in a long time, no comments either. Are you OK, Jenn?

john calica said...

Hey Jenn, how are you? Hope all is well

Jenn said...

Hey you guys! Sorry. I've been away somewhere. Dashed on rocks. That sort of thing...