Sunday, April 17, 2011


These days I'm mostly tired. I fall asleep at odd places. The comfortable chair in Chubby's freezing hospital room. The comfortable chair at the Smokehouse cafe in Bangsar, while reading a book and sipping a watermelon juice. My eyes close of their own accord and I just black out for a while. At first I thought it was the juice fast. But that's over. And I'm still tired.

I'm trying to see clearly the road in front of me. I'm trying not to fall into old patterns and repeat the same mistakes. I do whatever I can to avoid them, but they're like a gaping wound in the ground right in front of me. Move but a little, and I'm plunging all over again.

Arnold is gone.

And when I left him there, I saw that it was only better than a pound in that the dogs were fed and not abused. I have to get him back. But when I think of how, I get tired all over again and fall deeply asleep.

He howled as I left.

And my body went numb. My heart went numb. It does that when faced with something I know is going to be overwhelming.

Don't cry, said Sabrina as I was leaving. It helps if you don't get emotional. Just leave him here. He'll adjust. But come back and get him as soon as you can.

As soon as I can.

From now on, that is the one motive in life. To get him back. And all other motives are submerged in that one.

I keep feeling that life has been deferred indefinitely. And I know that it's my fault. I deferred it.

And now I'm picking my way through the debris trying to figure out how to repair some of this damage.


Nessa said...

I feel like I am not in my life any more, like I am a wraith moving through the living without managing any kind of connection - not even rattling the fobs on the light fixtures.

Jenn said...

Hello Nessa. You are real. Indubitably so.