Tuesday, December 11, 2007

As I Walked Out One Mid-Winter's Day

I've been going through this slow process of defamiliarisation, creating new patterns, mostly to do with alcohol. And inebriation. The world seems slightly off centre as I stumble around coming off a high, looking for the next...the next fix, the next fix, anything to stave off today, anything to stop from feeling like this.

Mornings, I sleep off nights of red wine
Nights, I go out of my mind...

I don't feel bad most times. In fact, I don't feel anything. But then these feelings spring out of nowhere (not nowhere, the cold dark centre of my being that for the most remains hidden, protected, buried under layers of denial) and I double over gasping, reaching for that brandy, that wine, anything, just anything...oh fuck, does it have to hurt like this?


Nessa said...

You need to figure out what was so fulfilling about your life at school and then find a way to put it in your life again so it can take the place of the alcohol.

john calica said...

the wonders of spirits! alcohol is sometimes the right potion given a situation, maybe just to drown the sorrow

Marge said...


"He was also known as the Liberator (Eleutherios), freeing one from one's normal self, by madness, ecstasy, or wine. The divine mission of Dionysus was to mingle the music of the aulos and to bring an end to care and worry. There is also an aspect of Dionysus on his relationship to the "cult of the souls", and the scholar Xavier Riu writes that Dionysus presided over communication between the living and the dead."

Jenn said...

Nessa: Yes, I am going away to do just that. One thing I realise is that everytime i think of work, something inside of me freezes. It's fear and distaste all rolled into one.

John: But there is always tomorrow to deal with.

Marge: Brilliant!