Friday, April 20, 2007

Drama Queen, Dominatrix, Dead Rat; What is it with me and D words?

A dead rat rotting away under a heavy cabinet spreading its ordure throughout the house. It invades my nostrils, my stomach rushes to my throat, I run back and forth from the airwell (I thought it was in the washing machine) towel pressed against my nose and the stench invades, my mouth, my throat, my skin.

Dadda falls back against the smell. We empty the cabinet of champagne flutes and jars of tea and sugar and cinammon and cloves. We press our bodies to the unyielding wood, hold our breaths, and push. Julie, who is red-eyed and weak from the flu comes to help push and the cabinet creaks, inches forward to reveal the poisoned rat, curled under heavy shadows, being consumed by maggots but not fast enough. It's been four days.

Dadda gags, I run, and Julie looks at it and shrugs in resignation. "I have the strongest stomach. I'll clean it up." She removes the rat. Dadda boils water to attack the maggots. I take refuge in the hall, answering Dadda's mobile which has decided to go off just then. It's Ivan. He's e-filing Dadda's taxes. Julie goes back to her soup. Like she said, a strong stomach. I couldn't choke down food now if you paid me. (I think having a rat under your heavy kitchen cabinet is a good dieting mechanism if you're into those kinda things)

And then there's the tiredness. It's like my body perishing from exhaustion. My eyes, still unspectacled or contact lensed despite my advanced years, feel like they're giving out. Pain in the head, weariness of the body. My limbs ache, long to crawl between blankets and expire. A little Wilkie Collins cos I need something suitably mindless, but no, it's not mindless, I take note of the hypnotic devices he employs in his text, the silent commands that compel you to go on reading, sending thrills...I am writing a website, I need to do it hypnotically - for the first time I have to wonder about converting browsers to buyers...selling, with every breath, with every breath...

And I start to wonder if I am becoming a saleswoman, a fake, are my relationships defined by what I have to sell...I'm tired, I pull away, leave me the fuck alone, I want to crawl under a kitchen cabinet and expire for a while, leave me alone.

And the boss tells me he's going to fire me after the probation period expires and I can't help but to feel that he's being sensible. I retort saucily because when pride's involved I have to be "I don't give a fuck" about anything. But I do care. And I don't. And I do. And I don't.

And I watch the guys in the company falling into line. When one of the bosses comes by and yells or claps them on the back encouragingly, they cover their crotches in the accepted "I'm in the presence of a superior male" attitude.

Right.

Whatever.

Ambivalent.

For the moment.

6 comments:

Susanna said...

Eeek. I hope you don't get fired, Jenn. Even if you don't enjoy the job that much, that's not a good thing...or maybe it is, who knows. I KWYM about selling...I've had to "try" to do it a few times, and never lasted long. You have to have a certain type of personality, and I don't think you or I have it.

ling said...

you're never going to be a fake, dear - it's just this silly world we all live in. i can't count how many times i was hired to do a creative job...and then all of sudden being pushed into a sales position. i can't put on the face - perhaps my bullshit meter is too high. i feel the pitches turning to chalk in my mouth.

Jackie said...

Continue with those D words...as in DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! (Ambivalent is not a bad place to be, either. You'll get to other places soon enough, it's a process). Be true to yourself and it'll all shake out like it's suppose to - and you will be where you are supposed to be. Sounds trite, I know. But it's true.

P.S. That rat would work as a diet aid for me, too!!

Jenn said...

Susanna: Funny thing is I can sell, until you point out that that is what I am doing. Then I freeze up.

Ling: Thanks Ling. It actually feels comforting to know you think I am not a fake. I spent the weekend sleeping...which is very good when it comes to not feeling like the world is against me.

Jackie: Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! I've grown accustomed to her face!(My Fair Lady reference)

that girl in pink said...

jenn! just wanted to say hey and that i hope things at work and under the cabinet are better now.

missed reading your blog for so long so going back to read the archives now.

Jenn said...

Hi pinky...thanks. Nice to have you back in these morbid pages...