Monday, November 21, 2005

I'm Sorry

Well she did it. I never thought she would. I figured it was all threats and drama. Because she was all threats and drama. Her life was a hysterical Tamil movie, complete with histrionics and swollen emotions and tears. So many tears that you stopped noticing them. So many tears, you were afraid of going out with her in public. So many tears that her brother said, "bitch, for fuck's sake grow up."

I hadn't spoken to her in a year. There was no quarrel, no blow-up, just a long overdue recognition that this friendship served neither of us. 13 years is 13 years. But there were too many favours demanded, too much taking for granted, too much:

"Jenn, where are you? Can you come pick me up and take me to ..." I was tired. No, I was fucking exhausted. And when I got away, I left her behind. Betrayal. She wept and held on and grew cold and then colder. She spoke in monosyllables and then she stopped talking altogether.

I was hurt, but heck, if that's the way she wanted to play it... a year went by. I didn't send her a greeting for her birthday. Not a phone call, not an email, not anything. The first time in 13 years.

And I didn't care. Or thought I didn't. You never know you care terribly until...

The cold dark silence in your soul when you hear the news. And the guilt. Oh the guilt. If only I had known. Maybe I could have done something. I should have guessed that she was this desperate. I should have guessed where she was heading.

The goodbye we never said bleeds out into the cadaverous silence.

There are no echoes.


lemontree said...

Jenn: You have to give yourself the time and space to heal.
And you don't need to be guilty. And rationally you know that. But emotions....

Your post inspired me to not cut off my best friend of 15 years- which is more than half my life :)

And if this is fiction- beautifully and compellingly written.

Actually neautifully and compellingly written in any case

Jenn said...

Lemontree, thank you for your kind words. And by all means, never cut off anyone who means anything to you. When you look back at it, the quarrels will seem insignificant.

I guess forgiveness is something I have to learn. Especially how to forgive myself.

~Lil Nance ;> said...

I can't stop the goosebumps or the feeling that I may cry at any moment. Once again, a beautiful post, even about something dark.

I have a friend that I am not really happy with right now. I have known her since 4th grade... and a lot has changed. But, this makes me want to keep trying and not give up.

I have a hard time forgiving others. It's something I have to work at.. and there are still some people I can't forgive. BUT, I still can't master the art of self forgiveness. I know it is necessary though... and I am trying sooo hard. A lot of times I find myself blaming myself for things that aren't my fault. Try to remember that sometimes no matter what your actions may have been, things might not be different. We as humans can't control another human beings thoughts or actions. Don't beat yourself up. Guilt isn't healthy You're in my thoughts sweety.

Andy said...


It took me a long time to learn, but eventually I did: Some people are simply not good for us. Ultimately, we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves, and we have to do what's best for us. I don't mean to sound cold and rational, but cold and rational can sometimes bring you through something like this. Remember that you were her friend when it sounds like she had no one else who would befriend her. Remember you tried and tried beyond all limits, beyond all reason. We are responsible for ourselves. She did what she did because of her choices, and it sounds like she would have done it regardless of what you would or could have done. Email me if you want to "talk." I'm here, if you need me.

stretch td said...

so many people just fade away ... and are gone.

stretch td said...

You can't second guess yourself ... and its unlikely that you could have prevented it.


It might sound heartless, but life, as they say, goes on.

When I first moved to New York, I had a boatload of friends that had been living here for years. I was so excited that we were all going to be living in the same city together again.

But, unfortunately 3 or 4 of them simply just stopped calling me. I grew really tired of being the only one putting effort into the friendships. I would call. They wouldn't call me back. We'd make plans. They would cancel. I got really sick of it, really fast.

After a while, I said fuck it and I cut them off. No more calls. No more hanging out. I've cleared the way for meeting new people in this new city and, so far, it's working out. I still have friends here that I love and adore; it's just that I've also shed quite a few who I discovered weren't "real" friends.

Jenn said...

Nancy: I spoke to someone yesterday about this, and she said, forgiveness takes time. And that you cannot rush it or pretend. Thank you, darlin'.

Andy: I know. Some people really aren't. Now I dissociate pretty quickly when I feel my energy levels falling (consistently) after contact with a particular person. You are right of course. And thanks. I might just take you up on that (after my exams - I am right smack in exams at the moment)

Stretch: Does anyone ever truly fade away? Or do we go into denial?

Stolie: It's weird but you're describing this exact situation. The one-sided effort. The constant standing me up. And I did say to hell with it. Except that unlike you, it took me years. And she was once a very very close friend.

m said...

You can't blame yourself for things you haven't done only for ones which you have. Not all events correlate in such a direct way.

Take the time to realise that there was a reason why you needed to let her go in a physical sense. And now do it emotionally, as well. *hugs*

Jenn said...

Thanks M. Deep breath. Exhale. Let go.